Secret to Success...?

Could someone tell me the secret to getting teammates that aren't mentally challenged? I always seem to get people who say they are good, then proceed to feed every lane because they lost their own. i.e. A Teemo against Tryndamere. Naturally a teemo would win. Except he lost lane at lvl 1. also, a Twitch ADC with Smite. Is that even a thing? It seems that ELO Hell, is eternal.
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