My experience with Ranked and how my confidence was my greatest enemy all along (long story)

So, I've been playing League for quite a while now, averaging a solid 2-3 years, starting in early season 6. I originally started playing with my friends, doing only normal games. I played ONLY normals for about a year, deciding to try to rush Gold a few days before season 6 ended. Unfortunatly, on the last day, my ranked climb ended with me in promos to Gold 5, as the clock ticked too late for me to cross the tier. In season 7, I made a really quick but tedious rush for gold just 1 week before the season was over, roughly achieving gold 5 in sub 40 games played. At the time, even though my ranked climb was done really fast and pretty clean for the most part, I still felt anxious during the whole thing, even though I had no reason to. I wasn't particularly struggling with my games, I always played pretty solid for the most part and won most games, but despite that I felt anxious. In season 8, I again took a break from Ranked, not going for Gold despite being capable to do so. Today, season 9 is coming to it's end... With season 9 coming to it's end, I again felt that pressure. That pressure that I SHOULD be at least playing up to gold so I don't miss on it's rewards. For the past 3 days, I've been playing Ranked here and there, in small burst of games, roughly 3-4 ranked games a day. Each match, I would my team and my opponent's team to see what I was up against, so I could adjust my playstyle whether my lane opponent would abuse me hard or give me a relatively free pass. I played nothing but Kayle mid, with 1 game as top. To my surprise and my despair, the big majority of the games were composed of high gold/plats, both on my team and against me. Assuming I was gonna feed hard, I usually approched each lane, dreading the moment I'd inevitably fail. Except I didn't. I rarely died at all, I averaged really high KDAs with good farm, and good participation in objectives. Today, I was sitting at Silver 1 98LP, after having played a total of 10 games. Deciding I might as well finish what I've started, I queue up a game of Ranked. So as usual, I take my Kayle mid and lock in vs an Irelia mid. Again, both teams are composed of high gold/plats. As the game starts, my Shen top ask me what's my real elo on my main acc. I tell him this IS my main acc, that I'm currently silver 1. He doesn't understand and neither do I. We're both left puzzled as to why I'm even in his game. We end up winning the game with me doing a decent participation. Not having carried at all, but not having been dead weight either. This current season, I am proud to say I reached Gold 4 in 11 games including placement games, 9 wins 2 losses, ENTIRELY skipping the promos I was dreading. Even though I am happy with my current rank, I feel incredibly saddened that my ranked anxiety prevents me from really discovering my true elo and my real worth as a player. I constantly underestimate myself as a player and as such, I have a tendency to downplay my own capabilities, especially in Ranked. This was my story of playing Ranked, as a Gold player. Thanks for reading.
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