Passive: Damage values of any champion currently in the game change randomly
Q: Increase the damage value of all champions in the game
W: Nerf all towers in the game
E: Rework Ryze. If Ryze is not in the game, this ability is replaced by an extra emote slot.
R: All male champions, upon death, don't respawn until after 2 minutes and 30 seconds have passed.
Sorry, I was bored. Downvoting this will make you feel better about yourself.
EDIT: Super secret not so secret now hidden but revealed passive: If a player bans this champion in champion select that player is banned for the remainder of his life or for 200 years, whichever happens to expire first.