Riot's Patch Notes Parody

PLEASE BEFORE READING: Understand this post is a joke. Thanks. Patch 8.79 notes " Greetings, Summoners, Welcome to patch 8.79, the one where we still don't address the big problems facing League. We will be buffing already strong champions, and nerfing one's that have been in the dumpster for years. Also, we will take this opportunity to do absolutely nothing about how strong supports are, but we feel some changes to Ancient Coin line gold drop rate should be in the right direction. In addition, ADCs have nearly destroyed the fun in our game, but we are looking for ways to make them feel a bit - how shall we put it - less Bull-shitty, err we mean snowbally, but you get the picture. Finally, we are so excited to reveal our new champion: Riotyrano! His abilities will be shown, as well as skins that will release the same day of his release (which we still aren't sure of... haha but when have we been sure of anything?). So hop on to the mess that is League, and remember, GGez noob git gud. " -- NEW CHAMPION: Riotyrano hits the rift some time this patch, we're not quite sure when though. We said we'll have the abilities available, but turns out we don't. But stay tuned for abilities reveal later in another patch! I hope your as excited as we are, since we have no idea how he'll turn out! MID PATCH UPDATES Irelia 8.79 balance update -- When we buffed Irelia's R ratio by 1.80, we thought she could use that extra power to decimate her noobish opponents. Turns out enemy players started flaming in all chat "GG Riot destroying the game, what a piece of crap" when the buff hit live. Also, we believe she has sold enough skins, so we're tuning her down until we make another skin. R - Vangards Edge Ratio ~~2.80~~ -> 1.00 --- Gragas -- When we released Gragas, he was the go-to fat and drunk champion, which is always fun to have. However, when his fatass is so weak he's having trouble making it to mid game, we feel he need's some love (or maybe a workout). Q - Barrel Roll Damage Ratio: ~~0.4~~ -> 1.2 Ryze -- After several tweaks to Ryze over the years, we now see how cancerous he can be to face, especially with his W instant root. So we thought "how can we change Rzye so he doesn't become literally a pile of crap " And then the answer became clear: just ***** remove him from the game. So, sing a song of rejoice summoners (we're looking at you Reddit), your voices have been heard. Ryze will be officially removed in later in Patch 8.79, but you will still be able to purchase skins to remember how good he looks (Arrrr, pirate ryze, shiver me timbers). ~~Ryze~~ -> Deleted from game Tristana -- Let's be honest, we've all wanted to strangle Tristana to death at some point because of how frustrating she is to face (and a punchable face - more on punchable face later). We feel her reset mechanic on W - Rocket Jump is pretty retarded, so we are removing it and shifting some much needed power into her range, after all she's supposed to be the safe ADC ya know? This should make it so that only LCK level assassin mains (we're looking at you Peanut) can effectively kill Tristana. W - Rocket Jump _Haha take that Trist _- No longer resets on kill or detonating Explosive Charge at max stacks on enemy champions. Range: ~~525~~ -> 625 Rengar -- Rengar's playstyle can be summarized into 2 steps: Step 1 - Jump on squishy adcs (yumm) Step 2 - Delete squishy (booyaaa). When he's not deleting squishy's from the rift, Rengar mains can actually shed a tear. If he is, ADC players are breaking their keyboards and wanting to uninstall. We feel like this symbiotic balance must be maintained from a gameplay perspective, but either way, Renger could use a nerf. We know it seems like its high, but better to hit him now hard, then to just mess with you guys with 20 patches of useless nerfs (we're looking at you... uh nevermind, no reference here...). Q - Savagery Damage ratio: ~~1.1~~ -> 1.0095 Twitch -- There's not much to say about this rat bastard. He's been terrorizing the rift with his ridiculous passive (we've asked around Riot gameplay department for who couldve designed such a stupid passive, and we promise if we find the guy we'll fire him for you guys :)). Passive - Deadly Venom Basic attacks - Actually on second thought, we kinda like Twitch as a champion, and are immediately reverting the nerfs as I'm typing this. Plus, he's about to get a skin soon, and a nerf could hit us with the money nerf on our part. ITEMS -- Long Sword You may have noticed that long swords cost 350, and you start the game with only 500, meaning you can have two of these bad boys on at the start. For many, champions (yo Yi, whats up) its a fantasy to be able to carry around 2 swords and wield them like a freakin ninja. So, we feel that lowering the cost of long sword so you can purchase 2 at start of game is pretty cool, so we're doing it. We'll probably have to revert this buff, but for now, **** it. _Look Ma, 2 Swords!_ - Cost: ~~350 gold~~ -> 250 gold BUGFIXES -- * Fixed a bug where Rengar was deleting ADCs in less then .1 second. * Fixed a bug where Riot couldn't properly balance champions within 1000 patches. * Fixed a bug where Gangster Lucian's pants would sag all the way down, instead of only to the knees. * Fired CertainlyT. * Swear words now properly display in all-chat instead of being covered by asterisks ***** Yeah.... oh wait... * Alistar now correctly states "You CAN milk these babies" * Varus now identifies as an attack helicopter, and is VO has been updated to show him as such. UPCOMING SKINS -- Heres a list of upcoming skins available later in patch 8.79! Or maybe 8.80 if we forget how to code these in time! - Janitor Jax - Lolita Zoe - Punchabe Face Tristana (see we told you you'd see punchable face later) - Gangster Lucian - NBA Star Lucian - Skinny Gragas - Fried Fish Fizz - Captain Jack Gangplank - Gangbang Gangplank - Fourskin Jhin - VietNAMI - High on Shrooms Teemo - Ball-Zac
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