**First of all this is by no means a complaint to Riot in terms of how they currently handle punishments or a statement that my ban is by any means unjust (if it happens), I'm well aware of how I've been behaving and I'm pretty damn sure I know how the system works when I've been pushed onto a 5th account. **But unlike the last three accounts I've had this makes me want to look back and just...talk about things, even if it leads to tons of downvotes and criticism from the community.
(There's a shorter summary of all this below if you don't care to read the entire thing, I can't blame you)
Yeah, I want to talk about why I may end up getting banned and the reasons it came to this mentally.
So, long story short my first four accounts all got banned for the same reason - extreme chat toxicity that was filter-sensitive (ZT words). None of that is surprising to anyone, I'm sure. This fifth account however has stood the test of time, currently being the second longest-lasting account (beaten by my original main account) I've kept & the one I've invested the most money & effort into. Hell it's even gone from Honor 0 and back to (currently) Honor 2, last April I was telling people to neck themselves in post-game chat & wasn't punished until a manual ban was issued. Sounds like I'm gloating but I'm just trying to convey this point: **This account has been different from the others. It's lasted longer, avoided the same fate as the previous four and even come back from the brink of hell.**
Why are things changing now, then?
Put simply, I'm tired. I'm on a 14 game loss streak currently and my ability to give a fuck has run dry. The second game in this loss streak is from a game we were up 4k in and guaranteed to win until our jungler AFK'd for the rest of the match, dooming us because 4v5's are hard as fuck - and that basically tilted me into the situation I'm in right now. Those were my Plat 2 promos, the highest I was gonna be this season - you can guess where my mental state went from there. I've lost my ability to care about winning, and even though I tried to clean my act up in the middle of all this (Games ~6-8) those all failed too despite me genuinely trying my best, so it plunged me even deeper. In other words...my mental is shot. I can't stop playing, but I also just can't give much of a fuck anymore when I feel like I've been cheated by life.
I tell people when they want to report me for soft inting that their reports don't mean shit, and while that is technically true (the system can't and will likely never be able to detect soft inting - passive aggressive behavior in chat will never get autopunished either, FYI) it does do a number to my mental. I'm doing exactly what I hate - ruining games for other people because I've stopped giving a fuck. And it does get to me, even if I keep playing and doing it I still end up regretting it at the end of the day.
You can tell me that I should take a break, and you're probably right. But I want to do well in this game so badly, I'm addicted to it. I want to be able to show my parents that I'm doing things with my time and truly being a productive person, and that I can make all their worrying worth it. And yet at the same time I'm doing the same shit over and over - losing my mind because I can't get over the fact that it's just a damn game. And it sucks. It really sucks.
All of that is a bunch of rambling that I needed to let out so let me compose my thoughts into what this means for you. Put simply, don't ever get too invested into this game that you feel like you'll let down people if you don't play well - ESPECIALLY if you're an ADC player. You can laugh at me and say it'll never happen to you but don't get cocky - we all have our ups and downs but one bad day can escalate into something a whole lot worse if you never get over it. Same goes for the other way around, of course.
This account's very likely to get manual banned in a few days time either as a result of a Rioter viewing this thread and checking my replays/logs or from one of the tickets someone's filed against me. I know this because I've dealt with the automatic system for a long time, and that I've seen when things are bannable or not manually. So, looking back I just...I just hate it. I hate that this game brings out so much emotion and spite in me, and I hate that I lash out even in my own fucking promos (my 1st loss streak game) because I just want to get the better of someone who I think is being a dickweed. But I don't have the self control to keep myself in check, and I don't think I will for a couple more years. So, with that said...that's my story. Do whatever you want with it, this is just a thread meant for me to vent and get some of this stuff off my chest.
As a last note - Riot Tantram if you see this, I wanna know what you think about this whole scenario. What can I do? I've advocated for self-mute functions since my first ban and while MapleNectar will be investigating it sometime this year that'll only handle one portion of the problem. You have my respect because over the years I've watched you roast the everliving fuck out of obvious liars/toxic shitters and, well...I just want to hear your two cents. It'd mean a lot.