I m just a terrible person really. I used to claim that it was league that brought out this side of me but really it just isnt. i get upset when things dont go my way. in game and in real life.
I got 41 banned accounts and counting. yea i know thats an utterly ridiculous amount of accoutns and quite literally hundreds of chances and I just dont know anymore. Sometimes its cause i just dont realise im being too toxic (I play jungle alot, I shotcall and sometimes i can be aggressive in the chat with it without really realising) and sometimes I realise but my mental state is too shot to think about consequences or even really care. school and life is so horrible that i just go to league for an outlet. im venting all these awful emotions, all this pain, exhaustion, worrys, onto people who don't care, don't relise, and just think im another toxic l9 kid thats gonna get banned.
I 99/100 games try my very very hardest to win, I never intentionally feed or grief and i only afk if the game is well and truly lost and my team agreed to open. but some games i just cant take it, my team is verbally abusing me for stuff i cant control ( 3 losing lanes while im playing a weak early jungler) and i just dont want to play with that, i just tell them to stfu with this qq and leave the game. (It was already a 4v5 with our support dcing after 3 minutes so the game was already over)
My friends joke, they call me tylerette1 (cause of the amount of baned accounts, and cause well im a girl) and i laugh with them, but its a real problem. even my friend who is just as toxic as me has only 3 permabanned accounts because he doesnt let his emotions get the best of him and doesnt have such problems irl.
I have pretty high-functioning autism irl, it makes my life such a damn pain, I hate it so much, I would cry my eyes out some nights wishing i had just been born with a normal functioning brain. It makes school just agonizing, due to a lack of practice and being isolated i have bad social skills and socializing withother people (which is forced at school) exhausts me and by the time im home (5 pm) im completely fed up with people. Being so tired i cant barely stand any more i go to my pc and play league for 4 or 5 hours before i sleep and repeat the terribel cycle again.
If i do well in game, its no problem. But if i play poorly and lose, the events of the day always take a grip and make me say things I dont wanna say. Alot of you might be thinking, just stop playing league, you're better off. that might be true but league is all i have left. im terrible at anything in life. even I got a really bad grade in my best subject which just depressed me and made me realised im just not good at anything in life. the only thing I have is league. it's the only thing I can call myself even slightly good at. in league i am gold 2, not high elo but not low either. I took an account to practice support on, it's stuck in bronze 2 and i feel even worse. Even at this game that i love (sometimes) im this shitty? Surely my skill level isn't bronze, I doubt that much, but then why can't I get out????
I dont wanna quit league, it brings me joy. The lore and characters of this game sparked a passion in me, part of me that always loved writing and reading. Neeko, Sylas, Pyke, Azir, Aurelion sol, Xayah&Rakan, Irelia, Ekko, WW, they all just examples of these great characters I came to love and that's why i cant quit. whether i enjoy facing them is a different story entirely (looking at those last 3)
see I dont want to flame people. But I feel like i just cant help it. What can I do??? Mute chat sure, but then i just unmute it and flame again. I hate it. I cant do anything about it. While i was having holidays for 2 weeks i barely said a thing in chat, I was generally chill, making jokes and laughing with my team. Now 1st day back, i get home late at 5:30 pm, 1 bad game and i just went off on my teammates. I actually just alt f4ed just so I couldnt flame them any longer, I didnt want to put them through that and risk my account. is it school that makes me into such a vile person? or is it league?